How to Destroy a God
by FlameShadow
Summary: Um, another freakish, random story, this one about pitting Apophis against a bird. Poor Apophis.


Summary: Just another of my pointless random stories that pop into my head at random occasions. Would Apophis be able to survive a night with my bird?

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate, but I own my bird. Though I wish it were the other way around. 

******

"Ok, why don't we make a deal" Ivy said. She was hosting a meeting between Apophis and the Tok'ra in hopes of resolving the major conflict. They were situated in a small white house, more like a room, with a single large window on one end, on a planet similar to Earth. 

"It's a simple challenge…If you can complete the task, you get _all _of our technology and info…" there were several murmurs of protest coming from the Tok'ra "…but if you fail, you must give us all of _your _technology and forces and stuff, and free the Jaffa. 

Apophis scowled a moment, then a smile crept to his face. "What challenge is there that a God cannot accomplish with ease?"

"It's simple" Ivy stated "all you have to do is live in this room for one whole day, with my Cockatiel" she said, presenting a small gray-and-white bird.

His face fell "you're joking!" he laughed

"She's joking!" the Tok'ra pleaded

"Nope" Ivy concluded. "Just live with the bird, if you kill it, deal's off, we win."

He laughed haughtily "I accept your challenge" he sent the Tok'ra a death glare, who in turn sent Ivy a death glare. 

"hehe…" Ivy looked up at the about-to-pounce Tok'ra as Apophis disappeared inside the house.

"You're risking all our life's work *on a bird*!"

"Hey, just trust me on this, okay? ^_^U"

*sigh*

******************* 

'Well, this isn't so hard!' Apophis thought to himself. The bird just sat and stared at him for a few hours. To entertain himself, Anubis Decided to read. At the same moment, the bird, threatened by his motion, began to hiss and squawk. And Squawk. And Squawk. In fact, he really wouldn't stop. At perfect, 3-second intervals, the bird would let out an ear-cracking yell. And he kept getting louder, and louder, and louder, and louder. 

'Oh god help me! Oh wait, I am a god right? Oooh…but I cant kill it, remember…I'll just meditate, no matter how loud he screams, he wont be able to break my eardrums or anything.'

 A half hour later he was beginning to doubt that. Finally, the screaming stopped, and lowered down to a cheerful little twitter. 

'Ahh, he isn't half bad really…he just didn't know who I was'. Anubis began to relax, and was just about to reach some goa'uld Nirvana when suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his little toe. 

"YYEEOOWCH!!" He cried, striking out his foot. Suddenly, the all-too-familiar scream resounded through the room again. The bird, with his wings up in an aggressive position was trying to attack his foot! His toe had large, red, beak marks surrounding it, but it wasn't bleeding yet, fortunately. Well, that is until the bird latched onto the big toe of his other foot, which started to bleed under the nail. 

"AAAHHH!!!" He cried, drawing his foot up to suck on his toe. "That's it bird, DIE!!" He was about to squash the poor little thing, who was now innocently looking up at him with his head cocked, when Apophis remembered….all the knowledge and forces of the Tok'ra…right…stay…calm… Just then the bird flew up onto his head, as if in friendly gesture-

'Awww'…. Thought Apophis, 'he likes me:)' 

 -and crapped on him.

"*blink*" said Apophis, who stood in shock for a moment. "Gah!" He swiped at his head, wherein the bird bit him and flew away screaming. Actually, long after Apophis had calmed down, and cleaned off his head, the bird was still screaming and flying around madly.

 It ran into the window. Miraculously, it was fine and kept going. It circled the room, and hit the window, again. This cycle continued awhile until Apophis decided he couldn't just let the bird kill itself, and stood in front of the window. The bird found a gap somehow, however, and crashed into the glass once more. Apophis wondered if he'd met his mach as it comes to stamina, or his polar opposite as it comes to brains. He sighed and checked the clock. There were still 19 hours remaining.  

****************

After a sleepless night, more beak injuries, bird feces, and finding his favorite outfit chewed up, and coved in seed, feathers, and drying poop, he finally lost it, and was going to just suck the life from the wretched creature, but found his hand device had been severed. That was it. He ran from the room screaming

"YOU CAN KEEP YOUR TECHNOLOGY!! YOU CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT…JUST KEEP THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!"

The Tok'ra watched in amazement as the 'noble' goa'uld fled. The gray little bird flew out in procession, and landed on Ivy's shoulder. 

 "I toldja it would work:)" 

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A/N: as I write this my bird is crapping on the monitor, and trying to destroy the mouse wire.  Also, I suppose the girl in the story is me, though my name's not Ivy and I really dislike my bird. 


End file.
